Always is never enough
by Lauron1912
Summary: This is going to be sad, very sad. Many, many emotions. It's better than the summary, promise! WARNING: Character Death.
1. Andy

Hello everyone!

This is my first english fic, I am german… So it is not my natural language, please be kind! I apologize in advance for every possible mistake.

This will be sad, but I had to write something like that, because the ideas were crowding my mind.

Have fun, though!

…

 **Always is never enough**

The day is beautiful, like her. The sun grazes the horizon and creates a deep orange light. It is a warm and melancholic atmosphere.

She loved the sunsets on summer days like these. He remembers every single one they watched together, arm in arm, their hearts beating in the same rhythm.

Now, his heart is left beating alone.

His steps are heavy, slow. He does not want to make these steps because they mean goodbye. He does not want to say goodbye to her, not yet. Never.

Their time was way too short.

He would do anything, give everything, just for a few more moments with her. With Sharon.

But no one can give back what cancer has taken.

He still can see her lying in that hospital bed, small and fragile, so unlike her. When she got the diagnosis, she once told him that is what she is the most afraid of. Losing herself in the process of dying.

And he could not stop it. He could only stand by and watch her fade away day by day.

These last ones were the most horrible months in his life. And they will always be.

He does not lift his gaze from the ground as he comes to a halt, but he can sense everyone's presence. All of them are here, grieving, saying goodbye. He has no strength left to look them in the eye and hear their words of consolation. He wants to run and never stop until he can see her, feel her again.

But he does not move. He remains rooted in front of her grave.

Her grave. He never thought about standing in front of it. He wishes he could have gone first.

The priest starts talking but he does not care. She, of course, would care. All he can do is watching the single red rose in his hand. His last gift to be buried with her.

He lets his fingers glide over the sharp thorns. The blood trickling down his hand is the same color like the rose itself. A deep, sad red.

When they start to lower the coffin, no _her,_ into the ground, he stops feeling numb. Instead he is surprised by the painful and breathtaking pain that is consuming his lungs, his heart and every other part of his body. He cannot stop the gasp leaving his mouth or the tears streaming down his face. Up to that moment he could not really cry, he felt nothing. But now, watching the coffin disappear in the mud, it all crashes down on him. He cannot and will not hold back anymore. His knees buckle and he hits the ground. There is pain shooting up his legs, but it is nothing compared to the pain wrenching his heart.

There are hands on his back and his shoulders. He ignores them and starts rocking back and forth while crying silently. He cries until there are no more tears left.

The sun has now completely disappeared behind the distant hills and only a soft, reddish light is left in the darkened sky.

Slowly, carefully he stands up and again, there are hands trying to support him.

If he thought the steps to the grave were a burden, he did not know what he has to face now.

Two, maybe three steps to release the rose and watch it tumbling down onto the dark wood of her coffin. The last two or three steps before finally and definitely saying goodbye.

The flower hits the wood with a quiet thud and next to it falls a drop of water. He looks up into the sky. Maybe he should be surprised by the dark clouds suddenly hanging above them. But instead he catches teardrops in his hands and watches them mixing with his blood.

Sharon is dead. Why should the sun shine at their final goodbye?

A hand on his arms pulls him back slightly and the others start throwing white roses into the hole. Andy still watches the now only light red stream on his hand.

Someone wants to keep the rain off him by putting an umbrella above his head, but he pushes it away. He wants to feel the water drenching his clothes and flowing down his body afraid to lose the ability to feel again.

Afraid the numbness could return.

He peripherally notices the others leaving or at least taking some steps away from the grave, probably to give him some last moments of privacy.

He positions himself in front of the hole holding her body in the coffin again and looks down. The coffin is covered with white roses. But his lonely red rose stands out. A special flower for a special woman to prove a special love one last time.

"I love you so much, Sharon. I will never, _never_ stop loving you."

The words are just a weak whisper as he crouches down in front of her grave. He lean his elbows on his knees and hangs his head in a sad gesture.

Suddenly a very special, overwhelming feeling overcomes him. But it is a good feeling. Warm and gentle, he feels secure for the first time in months. It is almost like her presence. And then he feels it. A gentle pressure on his shoulder. It feels like she is touching him with her small, slender hand.

Warm and gentle.

It is a reflex. He lets his hand glide to his shoulder but his fingers hit nothing but the cold and wet material of his black suit. He looks up but sees nothing but air.

But he simply knows she is there.

She will never leave him.

"I miss you, my love."

He whispers again but she would hear it. He knows he is right when he feels her lips on his forehead. He touches the place in his face and closes his eyes.

She will never leave him.

She will stay with him. Always.

A single tear slides down his cheek and then hits the red rose lying in midst of white.

But always is never enough.

...

 **Well, I think I will add another chapter. But it will be completely different.**

 **Hope you liked it, aside from being awfully sad.**

 **By the way, I LOVE reviews! ;)**


	2. Sharon

**Sorry guys it took me so long, I hope it was worth the wait!**

 **Thank you all for your wonderful reviews. I Love them! (I'm blushing) And please let me know what you think about this one too.**

 **Now enjoy!**

 **Always is never enough – Part B**

Oh, how much she always loved these sunsets. She watched them as a kid, a teenager and still the last years. Now she wishes she could still feel the warmth radiating from the huge orange light, slowly vanishing.

But even the grey grit beneath her feet she cannot feel anymore. It was more a kind of floatation she does now.

As she lets her gaze wander down from the sky and onto the path that leads to the hole, her eyes finally finds the one person she is looking for.

Her boy makes his way slowly, but deliberately over to the grave that would be hers in a few minutes. His head hangs low and his hand clasps that of her girl tightly. Her eyes mist as she sees her three children standing in front of her coffin, crying, but together, supporting each other. Rusty has a family now. He does not really need her anymore. She was sure, all of them would pull through.

All of them but him.

A few steps from her children he is standing. His face is expressionless, he is thin and his skin almost ashen. His gaze is so empty, she wants to touch him, tell him, they would be alright eventually. But they won't.

And she cannot touch him, talk to him anymore.

She is dead. And the reality of that fact crashes onto her as the priest starts talking. She starts crying tears, that will never touch the ground. She does not listen to the man. She always wished a really catholic funeral for herself. But now, when she gets it, she cannot care less. All she sees through her tears is Andy watching and turning the red rose in his hand. She involuntarily hisses when blood starts dripping from his index finger. But he does not seem to care.

She is pulled out of her thoughts by the light creak of the machine that lowers her coffin into the ground. She cannot believe that inside of the wooden box is _her_ body.

However, there is not enough time to think about when she downright _senses_ Andy collapsing physically and emotionally. When his tears start, she would give everything to just be able to hold him in her arms. Just for this moment. But she cannot do that. She wants to be near him, but she is afraid to see his face more detailed, because that would mean seeing his emotions. She fears what she would see there. She fears he is giving up.

So she just remains behind the group around the grave and watches Provenza and Patrice crouching down beside him, trying to get through to him. But he does not seem to even notice them. He just knees on the gravel and the tears are endlessly streaming down his cheeks.

She notices the others watching the scene, waiting for something.

After a few more minutes his tears stop. He keeps his eyes on the ground as he raises to his feet once again. She makes a few steps through the crowd and stands close behind him as he positions himself in front of her grave. She longs to smell him just one more time. It always calmed her.

As he releases the flower in his hand, she cannot hold back the quiet sob. It is too much pain watching the man she loves crumbling about losing her. But she is also very proud of him for having the strength to finally say goodbye. Tears are streaming down her ghostly white cheeks and in the same moment it starts to rain. Forgotten is the warm, orange sunset. Instead, she looks up into a dark and angry sky, the clouds releasing drop by drop.

When Patrice carefully pulls him away and the others start throwing white roses onto the dark wood, she can get another look of his face. He looks so… so broken. She sighs deeply and slowly raises her right hand, longing to touch his cheek like she always did. But she stops midway, something holding her back. He pushes Provenza's umbrella away from him and continues to stand in the rain. He lifts his face upwards and closes his eyes. Despite the situation Sharon feels her lips forming into a little smile. When she told him about the diagnosis in the park it started to rain. They cried together, but then he grabbed her hand and they started to dance in the rain, their clothes getting drenched. But they just felt the moment together. It is one of the most important memories she will take with her.

She knows she will have to leave soon.

When she lowers her gaze again, the others around her are walking away, leaving Andy behind. She follows him back to the grave and positions herself behind him as he crouches down. She does not expect him to say something. So when he does, it breaks her heart once more and more painful than before.

"I love you so much, Sharon. I will never, never stop loving you."

One lonely tear slides down her left cheek and she knows she cannot hold back anymore. She just needs to touch him.

Carefully she lays her hand on his left shoulder and slightly squeezes it.

"I love you too."

Surprised that he is moving she watches his hand going up to his shoulder, trying to cover hers. His fingers glide through her hand and fall onto the fabric of his suit as if she is not really there.

Well, she is not really there.

But he turns and looks up, almost right into her eyes.

She smiles through her tears when she sees just a bit disappointment and predominantly love in his gaze. He knows she is there.

"I miss you, my love."

Sharon takes a deep breath and leans down. With all the love she can offer as a dead woman she presses her lips to his forehead.

"I miss you too."

She knows he cannot hear her, but she knows she will never really leave him. She watches him touch the place her lips were just seconds ago while closing his eyes.

He will carry her in his heart. Always.

Even if always is never enough.

 _ **THE END**_


End file.
